It all started after i came back from msia. He told me he went out with pris. Being a jealousy bug, of coz i wasn't very happy with it. What's worse was they went to Esplanade, a place where they left great memories. I am sure if we switched our identities, he will be as worked up as me..or even more. He admitted he missed her, which i think in other words, wish they were still together. He started to compare the both of us. He felt that she was so much better. She was more caring, understanding and whatever it was. Yah, i admit, i am not as good as her. And my English just sux. But what can i do? From that day, they often talked on phone, went out. He preferred to talk to her and often neglected me. What am i to him then? Maybe i was just nothing.
[Me: If I don't exist, you two would have patched up already, isn't it?
ZY: If you don't exist, we wouldn't have broken up.
My fault?]
[ZY: We(pris and him) are not going out already
Me: Huh? How come?
ZY: Shouldn't you be happy upon hearing this?
Me: (heartbroken)]
He can easily choose to forget all these but I remembered vividly those days, when he shouted at me, saying i was paranoid, cold wars, quarrels. I dropped pails of tears. It lasted for about 3 weeks but it seemed to be years. That day, i really wanted to give up and end the relationship. That evening, he called and asked why i didn't call when i told him i was going to call him after i reached home. It was supposed to be a very small matter but he was so sad over it. He asked if we were still together. It was the first time after that incident that i finally felt that he cared for our relationship. And we were somehow back together again. And of course, there wasn't a need for me to break up with him anymore.
Looking back at those days, i really pity myself for suffering so much for him. I could simply take the easy way out, which is break up. But i choosed to bear with it and believe the nightmare will be over soon. I trusted that he still love me. That's why i was holding on to it tightly. I am proud to say I am brave enough, although I was so weak inside.
At the same time, after that sad days were gone, i sweared to myself i am not going to let similar incidents happen again. Meaning, i am not going too let myself suffer so much again. I will take the easy way out next time. Say I am selfish, I just love myself, happy?
I still treasure this relationship very much because i still love him a lot. He said he did a lot for me and i am the one he love most(till now in his life). Same for me, he is the only guy i love so much. I did a lot for him too. Maybe he just didn't realise.
The problem with me is that i often brood over the past. I don't wish for it too. But i just can't control myself. I wish i can undergo some kind of brainwash, so that i can just remember happy events.
